Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
