the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
