I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
