What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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