I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
