Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
