A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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