OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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