I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
