Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
