I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We smell like vodka and hangover
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