So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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