it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
