Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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