I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
