i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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