No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
