i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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