dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
