just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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