My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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