Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
