The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
