I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
