why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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