I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
