please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
