I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
