I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
