if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
