This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
