i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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