Cold hands, warm shart.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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