Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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