there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
