I got chris browned last night
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Shame is for Republicans.
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