there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
