We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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