I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
