we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
