I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you will always have a special place in my vag
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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