About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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