I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
