ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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