Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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