If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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