it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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