I think I won the penis lottery.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so let's talk penis.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
