Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
