My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
