My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
did i just pee glitter
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
