wrigley field is MILF paradise
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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